Goldilocks and the Three Bears

Once upon a time, there were three bears. A mama bear, a papa bear and a baby bear... Seems familiar, yes? They were a happy trio who often broke out into song randomly, like those stupid Disney shows. Except for baby bear, who couldn’t talk. Today, they were going to eat their breakfast of Froot Loops.

“Mama bear! These Froot Loops are still too crunchy! They’ll injure our poor baby’s bicuspids!” Said Daddy bear.

Mama bear looked lovingly towards her little baby child and said, “Get over it and eat your flipping cereal, or we’re having leaves again.” At least we know who wears the pants in this family.

“Mama, you shouldn’t take out all your anger on the baby, just because we’re having marital problems.” Said daddy bear.

“Screw this! I’m ditching!” Mama said as she stormed angrily outside.
“Wait!! No! Ugh, baby bear, we’re going after her!” Daddy bear picked up his child and ran deep into the woods. Meanwhile...

There was a little girl named Goldilocks, because of her radiant gold hair. However, she was a rebellious child who hated her hair and dyed it red. She changed her name to Firestar... She was walking into the woods and saw the cottage the three bears were in. “I’ve been journeying for so long, wonder if this shack has any food this time...” So she walked in and sat down at the kitchen table. She picked up the first bowl and tasted it, “Ew, it’s fibre flavoured Froot Loops, screw this!” And she threw the cereal onto the carpet. She moved onto the next bowl.

“Ew, these Froot Loops are too soggy, wth?” And she threw the cereal out the window. She moved onto the last bowl and took a bite. “LIKE OMG YAYZ this cereal pwns! I lurves the chocolate sprinkles! Kyaaaaa~!” And she finished the whole bowl. Then she discovered the “chocolate sprinkles” within a laxative case and ran towards the bathroom... She’s been there for a while. Same with the three bears... they’ve been gone for a while too...

4 hours later...

“This is why I only eat General Mills, not Kelloggs!” Firestar said as she stumbled out of the washroom. “Ahhh, I needs to sit down!” And she sits down at a big chair. “EEEEEEEK! This chair has spikes on it! It hurts!” And so she picked up the chair and destroyed it with the flamethrower she keeps in her backpack. She likes burning stuff. She sits down at the next chair, which was a beanbag one. “... Beanbag chairs... are STUPID.” She kicked at it and knived it until there were a million little polystyrene balls over the carpeting. She sits at the last chair. “LIKE OMG YAYZ this chair has a messagerrr~! It pwns! Ya ya ya~!”

Suddenly, an automated voice states, “lease deposit 25 cents... sucker.” Firestar gets so angry that she makes a bonfire out of the three chairs. You know the Everlasting flame in Ottawa, right?

Firestar/Goldilocks is so tired now. She wants to sleep, but all she sees are two beds and a coffin. She opens up the coffin and sees Edward Cullen. “Ew, uggie thing.” And she draws on his face with permanent marker. He now has a black eye. She goes to the next bed and she tries sleeping on it. Turns out the dog was sleeping on it and bit her head. Firestar brutally picks up the dog, opens the coffin and throws it inside. She puts a Dudley lock on the coffin. I’m pretty sure no one noticed yet. Last bed, she jumps onto it. “LIKE OMG YAYZ it’s a water bed~! I lurves water beds!! Yayz!! Ya ya ya...” And she sleeps.

The three bears come back, and Papa and Mama are going to have a divorce. The baby is ecstatic about this until she finds Firestar in her bed. She takes her rattle and smacks her across the head a few thousand times. “Take that foo!” Firestar wakes up and says, “I like your attitude. Let`s blow this popsicle stand.” So then they take the hidden dynamite and blow this popsicle stand. The explosions destroy Mama and Papa, but they quickly put out the fire before it spreads.

The Moral of the Story: Only YOU can prevent forest fires.